Rewriting History

Leonardo da Vinci was a polymath of the Italian Renaissance who is viewed as one of the world’s greatest mind’s. Many historical figures show up in the Assassin’s Creed series, but Leonardo’s resourcefulness and technological ingenuity makes him a perfect ally. After befriending an assassin named Ezio, Leonardo provides assistance by decrypting Codex pages and using the schematics to improve the assassin’s weapons and equipment. The game even features a flying machine that was based off of Leonardo’s real-life plans. It has been scientifically proven that this flying machine could not have possibly worked, but this doesn’t stop Ezio from flying it across Venice. The scope of Leonardo’s interests are without precedent in recorded history, but he declines a formal offer to join the Assassins Order.

Although his ideology is universally regarded as immoral, Adolf Hitler is one of the most well-known figures in recorded history. He’s viewed as one of the most evil men who has ever lived, and he has appeared as a villain in many games. Wolfenstein 3D tasks players with escaping from a Nazi prison, thwarting their plans to create an army of undead mutants, and eventually eliminating Hitler himself. This is easier said than done, as Hitler dons a robotic suit and is heavily armed with chain guns. I know the Nazi regime invested heavily in secret technologies, but Mecha-Hitler looked like something you’d see in Futurama. As the battle progresses, the dictator is forced to exit the robotic suit and is eventually reduced to a pile of blood and bone. The only good Hitler is a dead Hitler.

Fate/Grand Order revolves around a secret organization dedicated to the preservation of mankind. In order to save humanity from extinction, this organization summons legendary figures to act as “Servants.” Many of these figures are fictional or mythological in nature, but dozens of them were ripped from the pages of history. Atila the Hun, Billy the Kid, Nikola Tesla, Marie Ant-waifu, Mozart, Cleopatra, and even William Shakespeare appear as Servants in the game, but Charles Babbage’s steampunk makeover was especially notable. While history recognizes Babbage as the “father of the computer,” he refers to himself as the “King of Steam” in Fate/Grand Order. This is an appropriate nickname since he’s merged with a mechanical suit of armor that runs on steam power for some reason.

The Dynasty Warriors series is loosely based on the historical novel, Romance of the Three Kingdoms – which itself is loosely based on authoritative historical texts. The romantic and historical traditions of the Three Kingdoms period have become confused over the centuries, but Dynasty Warriors makes no attempt to straddle the fence between reality and fantasy. Lu Bu was a military general who is said to have possessed great physical strength. In Dynasty Warriors, Lu Bu considers himself the “Mightiest Man Alive” and fights solely for the purpose of finding a worthy opponent. It’s a fairly accurate depiction for the most part, but the Dynasty Warriors version of Lu Bu is so strong that he can create earthquakes simply by smashing the ground! Do not pursue Lu Bu!

George Armstrong Custer is a controversial figure. Some view him as a tragic military hero who sacrificed his life for his country. Others view him as the personification of the ill-treatment of Native Americans. Historians will forever debate Custer’s legacy, but Custer’s Revenge plainly depicts him as a rapist. Players assume the role of Custer in the game and are tasked with banging a busty Native American woman who is tied to a pole. After guiding the naked General to the victim, players are awarded points in accordance to how may pelvic thrusts they perform. The limitations of the Atari 2600 prevented the game from being too realistic, but Custer’s Revenge was nearly as controversial as the man himself. The game’s developer insists that the woman is a willing participant, but the game is still pretty gross.

Jeanne d’Arc (also known as Joan of Arc) was an uneducated peasant who believed she was acting under divine guidance as she led the French army to victory during the Siege of Orléans. She was eventually captured and burned for heresy, but she was later canonized as a Roman Catholic saint. In 2006, a tactical RPG was released on the PSP that was loosely based on Jeanne’s struggles during the Hundred Years’ War. Many of her 15th-century contemporaries were featured alongside her, but liberties were taken with respect to historical accuracy. Jeanne was painted as a heroine who prevented a possessed Henry VI from conquering France, but the game was filled with fantasy elements. Jeanne’s real-life counterpart probably didn’t have magical armlets that could seal demons away.

Mikhail Gorbachev was the final leader of the Soviet Union before its dissolution in 1991. He has made appearances in many games, but Ganbare Golby! (or Good Luck Gorby! in English) highlights his communist philosophies. By manipulating a series of switches in a factory, Gorby can provide medicine for the elderly, food for the hungry, and Sega Game Gears for the children. I’m not sure why Game Gears and ham are being produced in the same factory, nor do I understand why Gorbachev is distributing Game Gears in the first place. If anything, you’d think he’d be a supporter of the Game Boy due to its connection with Tetris. When Ganbare Golby! was released in the west, the name was changed to Factory Panic and Gorbachev was replaced by some blond-haired douchebag.

Mahatma Gandhi was the leader of the Indian independence movement against British rule. He inspired civil rights movements across the world by employing non-violent civil disobedience, but the Civilization series paints him as an obsessive warmonger. This phenomenon was first noted in Civilization II, where Gandhi’s penchant for nuclear warfare made India the most hostile civilization during the later stages of a match. This was apparently caused by a programming error. Gandhi started with the lowest aggression level to reflect his legacy of pacifism, but the stat would become maxed out if his aggression level fell to a negative value. Due to popular demand, Gandhi’s obsession with bombing other countries was officially incorporated into the series as an intentional feature.

America’s first Republican President led his country through the Civil War, paved the way for the abolition of slavery, and is known around the world as a champion of human liberty. Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. takes place in an alternate reality where steam power has revolutionized the world. His real-life counterpart was assassinated, but Honest Abe survived the attack in Code Name: S.T.E.A.M.. He later put together a task force to fight against an invading alien menace. Lincoln’s motley crew includes historical figures like John Henry, literary characters like Tom Sawyer, and a handful of knights from the Fire Emblem games. Lincoln, for his part, captains an airship and pilots a giant mecha while defending cities from giant monsters. I still can’t believe that someone created a steampunk version of Abraham Lincoln!

Ishikawa Goemon was a Japanese outlaw not unlike Robin Hood who stole gold to give to the poor. His background is a topic of speculation since there is little historical information about his life, but his legend lives on in contemporary Japanese popular culture. Ishikawa Goemon has been a subject of kabuki theatre for many centuries, but younger generations around the world are likely more familiar with his video game appearances. Goemon has been featured in many games, but Konami’s take on the folk hero is especially noteworthy. Early games in the long-running Ganbare Goemon series depicted Goemon as a noble thief, but the franchise became increasingly exaggerated over time. The real Goemon never trampled cities while riding a giant mecha that was created in his likeness.