Riding the Pine

The Fire Emblem games are famed for their large rosters, so there are many characters that could have been mentioned on this list. As the only unpromoted Armor class in Radiant Dawn, Meg is outclassed from the moment she joins your party. She has low base stats, and her class prevents her from reaching her potential. Since she joins under-leveled, there’s a good chance that she will be defeated in a single round. For these reasons, it might be best to leave her in the convoy. Although she’s still usable, Meg is widely considered to be one of the most difficult characters to train. Sophia, Finoa, and Wendy were all considered for a place on this list too, but spending time with Meg feels like babysitting. She doesn’t have much of a personality either, and I had no interest in her romantic subplot.

In Final Fantasy VII, Cloud Strife was established as a spiky-hared SOLDIER icon. Final Fantasy Tactics cuts him back down to size after he crashes the world of Ivalice via Zodiac Stone shenanigans. He’s a pain to unlock, and he joins under-leveled. To make matters worse, his Limit Breaks are too unreliable to be worthwhile. His abilities and equipment don’t synergize well either, and he has to arm himself with a weak weapon in order to access his powerful techniques. Cloud requires endless grinding before he can make a meaningful difference. By the time he catches up to the other party members, the main squad will be powerful enough to shatter the game without him. He’s worth recruiting for nostalgia, but he has “wasted potential” written all over him. Guest characters are usually overpowered, but Cloud spends his time spectating.

Gobi is a greedy merchant fish-guy who joins your party mid-game. He’s essential for navigating certain underwater areas, and his “Mercantilism” ability can potentially help you acquire rare items. He has limited combat usefulness, however, and he’s less versatile than any of his friends. Not only does he lack powerful multi-target attacks and long-range capabilities, but his abysmal stats level up slooooowly. He has an advantage in certain underwater missions, but it’s hard to use him effectively in other scenarios. (Some of his abilities can only be used in water.) In most cases, he’s fusion fodder at best. Unless his underwater abilities are specifically required, the self-serving merchant should remain on the sidelines. Who wants to hang around with a greedy debt collector anyway?

Umaro is the grunting boss lurking in Narshe’s Yeti’s Cave. He’s an optional recruit who joins late into the adventure, but he’s arguably the most limited member of the entire roster. He has no magic abilities, he can’t be equipped with weapons or armor, and he can’t even access the inventory! This means that if he’s the last one standing in battle, he won’t be able to distribute Phoenix Downs or healing items to revive his incapacitated party members. He can be helpful in magic-free zones, but he’s a useless wildcard everywhere else. You don’t even have control over him in most situations, so you’ll be resolved to watching him attack randomly unless you happen to have specific relics on hand. I feel compelled to recruit him for the sake of completion, but most players either leave Umaro on the airship or let him hibernate in his cave.

A hornless outcast who carries spears and an eternal grudge, Kimahri Ronso joins Yuna’s pilgrimage right out of Besaid as her stoic Ronso guardian. Even though he joins early, his central Sphere Grid screams, “jack-of-all-trades, master of none.” Since he has no unique Sphere Grid path, he’ll be forever trailing the specialists. He’s weaker than Auro, slower than Tidus, and outclassed by Lulu when it comes to magic. His Lancet ability allows him to copy certain moves from friends, but the results are usually underwhelming. His only worthwhile techniques are locked behind the Overdrive gauge like they’re rare treasures. He rarely has anything important to say, so you won’t be missing anything if you ignore him altogether. The best course of action is to let Tidus and Auron carry the team while Kimarhri grunts from the sidelines.

A perky robotic cat that sits atop a stuffed moogle, Cait Sith crashes the Gold Saucer party like an uninvited plus-one. He’s recruitable early and can be swapped out at anytime, but there’s no reason to add him to your active party because his stats are a joke. Middling Magic and Spirit can’t save his pathetic Strength, Speed, or HP pool. He tends to crumple first in every boss fight. He has no defined role, so he’s mostly played for laughs as Cloud carries the team. His luck-based Limit Breaks fizzle more often than they land, and Slots can potentially result in an instant party KO. Unless you’re into self-sabotage, Cait Sith should be benched Day 1. As an added bonus, your Materia will level up way faster without him. He’s better as a mascot than muscle, so let him speculate from the sidelines.

Edward Chris von Muir – known as Gilbert in Japan – is the prince of Damcyan and the original spoony bard. He joins your party post-tragedy, and he has to be slapped back to his senses before he will help. He has low stats across the board, and his gear is pathetic. He can’t wear heavy armor, and he literally uses harps as weapons. (That works about as well as you think it would.) He’s basically mandated to the back-row if you want to avoid instant death. In most cases, his best option is to remove himself from battle altogether via his Hide technique. You’ll carry his cowardly ass through most of the adventure, and then he’ll repay you by leaving the party early! It’s best to save his slot for Tellah. The old man can’t remember what day of the week it is, but his magic is infinitely more useful than Edward’s contributions.

Luvdisc is a water-type Pokémon that hangs out in shallow seas. They’re seen as symbols of love due to their heart-shaped scales, and couples that encounter them are promised a loving relationship. If you have no truck for the sentimental, then Luvdisc doesn’t have a lot to offer. The hapless creatures have poor stats and no defined role in battle. To make matters worse, there’s no evolution path! With enough care, a lowly Magikarp can evolve into the powerful Gyrados. Luvdisc is perpetually useless. The goal of any Pokémon game is to catch ’em all, so you’ll feel compelled to add Luvdisc to your Pokédex. There’s never a reason for them to occupy a place in the party, so be prepared for heartbreak if you summon them to battle. We have been introduced to over a thousand unique Pokémon, so there’s literally no reason to rely on Luvdisc.

Poshul if the first optional recruit that you’ll meet in Chrono Cross, and almost certainly the most useless. The lisping pink pooch lives a pampered life in Anri Village, but she has nothing to offer after crashing the party. If you can look past her useless dialogue you’ll find garbage elements and stats. She can be used as an early-game crutch, and things are a little easier if you let her tag along. Nevertheless, you’ll want to swap her out for literally anyone else at the earliest opportunity. There’s no reason to put up with her annoying yips when you have over 40 other characters waiting to take her spot. Based on her underwhelming stats, it seems like the developers hate Poshul as much as the fans do. If the annoying wonder dog were to be cut from the game, nothing of value would be lost. Woof.

Jogurt is a pint-sized hamster mascot with an oversized helmet and zero business on the battlefield. After recruiting this furball in Pao’s hidden chapel, he should be given a permanent place in the back of your memory. Most of his stats are eternally locked at 1, so his body-slam attacks tickle for 1 HP while he evaporates in a stiff breeze. You can’t even improve his situation with experience, gear, or promotions! His dialogue has no baring on the overarching plot, and he typically makes inane comments about his helmet while Bowie does the heavy lifting. He’s supposed to be comic relief, but there’s nothing funny about lowering the life expectancy of your supposed friends. Legend says he’s still chilling in your convoy, yapping idly. Real heroes don’t need hamster distractions, so Jogurt should be benched eternally.