Three's a Crowd

Marth is the brave Prince of Altea and a natural born leader. Caeda is a pure-hearted princess of a neighboring kingdom who grew up with Marth and trained alongside him. Marth and Caeda are a great fit for one another, but this leaves Catrina waiting in the wings. Catria enjoys spending time with Marth and is a loyal friend, but Caeda and Marth are practically joined at the hip. It’s not surprising that Marth and Caeda end up together, but it’s hard not to feel for Catria. She’s so shy and respectful that her love for Marth could easily be mistaken for professional admiration. Marth, for his part, is so convinced that he and Caeda are meant for each other that he doesn’t even realize that Catria has feelings for him. Long before the Fire Emblem franchise ventured into “waifu simulator” territory, the understated love triangle between Marth, Caeda, and Catria set the stage for what was to come and reminded us that love and war are inextricably bound.

Many gamers have questioned whether or not there’s more to Bowser and Princess Peach’s relationship than meets the eye. Bowser repeatedly kidnaps Peach in a presumed bid to take over the Mushroom Kingdom, but the Paper Mario series reveals more about his true intentions. As it turns out, Bowser has a huge crush on the princess. There is no ambiguity in this regard. His diary reads like a love letter to Peach, and he even professed his feelings to a poster of her at one point. His obsession runs so deep that Bowser Jr. believes that Peach is his mother! The various kidnappings have given Bowser a lot of alone time with the princess over the years, but Mario always shows up before Stockholm syndrome sets in. Bowser is obviously jealous of the affection that Peach shows Mario, so it’s not surprising that he is so determined to remove the mustachioed hero from the equation. Mario will always be there to salt his game, so it’s unlikely that Bowser’s feelings will ever be reciprocated by Peach.

Elaine Marley is smart, beautiful, and successful. She’s believable as the focal point of a love triangle, but it’s hard to imagine that either of her suitors would really stand a chance with her. Guybrush Threepwood is an awkward pirate wannabe with few prospects or discernible skills. LeChuck is a desperate ghost pirate who relentlessly pursues (and repeatedly kidnaps) Elaine in an ill-advised attempt to win her over. Guybrush is hapless and somewhat egotistical, but at least he has a backbone. Elaine once told LeChuck to drop dead, and the notorious pirate was so smitten with her that he actually obliged! Nobody will respect you if you let them to treat you like a doormat. In the end, Elaine was drawn to Guybrush’s quick wit rather than LeChuck’s creepy stalker antics. I still insist that she’s too good for either of them, but I digress.

Maxim and Tia grew up together in a small village. When Maxim decided to leave town to further his “treasure hunting” career, Tia closed down her shop and followed him on his adventure. She expressed disdain for Maxim’s lifestyle, but she still stayed by his side and kept him safe. Tia is a tsundere, but she clearly had the hots for Maxim despite her “hot and cold” personality. Any hope of Maxim reciprocating the feelings were immediately thrown out the window when the beautiful Selan entered the picture. Maxim had known Tia for his entire life, but he placed her firmly in the friendzone and opted to bang Selan instead. Tia was so distraught that she left Maxim’s party and went back home by herself. Maxim and Selan ended up getting married while poor Tia had to settle for a somber soliloquy. Lufia II was a prequel, so it was obvious that Tia never had a chance with Maxim in the first place. That said, the manner in which Tia is shoved out of Maxim’s life (and the game) after Selan showed up was nothing short of devastating. No one said love was easy.

Dragon Quest V is subtitled Hand of the Heavenly Bride, and it’s up to the player to choose the bride in question. On one hand, you have a cute tomboy named Bianca who you have known since childhood. You’ve explored haunted castles together, rescued her from captors, and were close enough that your pet recognized her by her bow many years later. On the other hand, you have a timid heiress named Nera who you have known for about a day. If you choose to be with Nera, Bianca’s life will unravel and will eventually wind up working for an abusive barkeep. If you do the sensible thing choose to marry Bianca, however, you’ll still feel horrible about your decision. Nera’s father planned an elaborate wedding for his daughter, and it somehow seems improper for the planned ceremony to be encroached by a complete stranger. Bianca is the obvious choice, but you’ll feel like a jerk marrying her at a wedding that was planned for Nera. The DS version complicates things further by giving players the option to dump both girls in favor of a haughty vixen who shows up.

No love triangle in gaming is more famous than the one in Final Fantasy VII, so I felt obligated to mention it here. Despite its reputation, the relationships in the game are fairly vague since the involved parties are somewhat reluctant to express their feelings in a clear manner. Cloud doesn’t exactly wear his heart on his sleeve and is too self-absorbed to notice that two hot chicks are pining over him. For decades, gamers have debated which girl was right for him. Aeris is kind-hearted and compassionate, and it’s impossible to say anything bad about her. Nevertheless, Tifa is with Cloud every step of the way and she’s the one that ultimately helps him regain himself. Tragic circumstances eliminated the need for Cloud to choose, but the choice should have been clear from the very beginning. Aeris is a nice girl and all, but Tifa is stacked. Why is there even a debate?

When a notorious gang called the Shadow Warriors kidnapped Marian, her boyfriend Billy Lee and his twin brother Jimmy immediately set out to rescue her. After fighting their way through endless waves of street thugs, the Lee brothers defeated the evil Shadow Master in order to rescue the fair maiden. By all rights, the story should have ended there, but I guess the Lee brothers just couldn’t resist the allure of Marian’s slinky red dress. In one of gaming’s first “WTF moments,” Billy and Jimmy started fighting each other in order to win Marian’s affection. They fought right in front of her and didn’t even bother untying her first! Marian took no issue with this and is happy to make out with either brother after their battle is over. What kind of trollop chooses their boyfriends in that fashion? Double Dragon was one of the most iconic co-op games of its era, so it was a huge surprise for it to end in a competitive fashion.

In the first Uncharted game, Nathan Drake and Elena Fisher were thrown together in an epic adventure that included pirates, plane crashes, and countless explosions. Elena was just as charming and charismatic as Nathan, but she was somewhat naïve and idealistic. The two were firmly established as a couple by the end of the game, but Chloe Frazer emerged as Nathan’s love interest in the sequel. In contrast to Elena, Chloe is an impulsive and reckless adventurer who plays to the darker side of Nate’s personality. Elena is driven by a “save the world” mentality while Chloe is motivated by her own self interests. After Nathan and Chloe stumble upon Elena by pure happenstance, the unlikely trio reluctantly join forces. Elena was somewhat skeptical of the arrangement didn’t like being seen as “last year’s model,” but Chloe eventually took a step back and allowed the old flame to be rekindled between Nathan and Elena. Nathan and Elena’s relationship could be likened to a rollercoaster ride, but it was never more interesting than when Chloe was in the picture.

Kain and Cecil are best friends who are both in love with a beautiful mage named Rosa. The three have known each other since childhood, but Kain is overwhelmed by jealousy since his love for Rosa is unrefuted. Watching your best friend fall in love with the girl of your dreams can’t be easy, and Kain loses his ability to keep his emotions in check after he falls victim to a mind-control spell. Kain becomes Cecil’s enemy during this period, but his affection for Rosa is maintained and continues to define every fiber of his being. Kain eventually breaks free of the spell, but he is so overcome with guilt and remorse that he chooses to live life a hermit. Cecil and Rosa eventually wed and become the King and Queen, and poor Kain is left out in the cold. Years later, an incarnation of Kain’s negative emotions emerges with the intent of killing Cecil so he can have Rosa for himself. Kain eventually defeats his dark alter-ego, but there’s always going to be a part of him that longs to be with Rosa.

Vincent Brooks is a carefree thirty-something office worker with no ambition. When Katherine begins to pressure him into marriage after five years of dating, Vincent slinks into a bar to contemplate his independence. It’s at this point that Vincent becomes acquainted with a mysterious woman named Catherine. Young, fun, and openly flirtatious, Catherine is exactly Vincent’s type. The two hit it off immediately and spend the night together, but things start to fall apart from there. After meeting Catherine, Vincent begins to experience horrible nightmares. Equally perplexing is the fact that Catherine winds up in his bed almost every morning, even when she wasn’t invited. When the two girls finally meet face to face, they engage in a heated exchange of insults which escalates into a jealousy-fueled knife fight. The confrontation was yet another nightmare, but this doesn’t prevent Katherine from calling him out on his infidelity and breaking up with him. It’s eventually revealed that Catherine was a succubus who temps men into cheating in an effort to break up unproductive relationships for the good of the species. It was all for the best. Katherine was too good for him from the very beginning.