Put on Your Thinking Cap

Gomez had a peaceful life in a 2D village before the town’s old adventurer revealed that the world was actually three dimensional! Incidentally, the fabric of reality was being torn apart, and it was up to Gomez to set things right. Fortunately, a magical fez fell from the heavens and landed firmly on his head. Although he was still limited to movement on a 2D plane, the mysterious hat allowed Gomez to perceive the world in all its 3D glory. This allowed him to solve various puzzles en route to saving reality. Fez doesn’t speak during the adventure, but it appears to have an agenda of its own. The in-game references are subtle, but the official website describes the fez as “a strange and powerful sentient artifact.” Rest assured, the hat acts independently from Gomez, and it relies on subtle gestures to communicate.

I don’t usually mention early access titles on these lists, but I felt compelled to mention Glimmer in Mirror since it’s so well-suited for this particular topic. The game is set against the backdrop of a storybook fantasy world, and it’s centered around a fairy named Shirro who can use light as a source of energy. Sadly, she’s suffering from memory loss and has more questions than answers. As luck would have it, she meets a charming crown named Lyo almost immediately. Lyo accentuates Shirro’s innate abilities, provides exposition when necessary, and acts as a noble beacon. He also claims to be omnipotent and demands to be addressed as Shirro’s master. He lacks humility and isn’t the most eloquent speaker, but he’s legitimately helpful. He’s even considerate enough to float above her head so he doesn’t ruin her wonderful hair.

Needle acts as the caretaker for a young princess named Appli. He seems like an ideal candidate for the role, given that he has served the Pumpkin Kingdom’s royal family for 49 generations and has three children of his own. Despite his qualifications, Needle has his proverbial hands filled with Appli. The rebellious princess is constantly running away in search of adventure, and she’s outright reckless at times. Needle begrudgingly accompanies her on her escapades, and he often has no choice but to go along for the ride. In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that Needle isn’t technically a living hat. In actuality, he’s a magical spirit that’s merely possessing the hat. I see no reason to be pedantic about a niche topic, however, and it could be argued that we’re all just spirits at the end of the day.

Wazzat used to be a regular hat, until he was discarded by his owner. This created a vast concentration of negative energy that somehow made him develop a mind of his own. (That’s why I never throw anything away.) Wazzat likely wants to forget his past trauma, so it’s fitting that he can erase memories. He can make anyone forgetful by simply sitting on top of their head. He even has the ability to selectively remove memories, like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I can imagine countless scenarios where this could come in handy. Do you want to forget that the Star Wars sequels were ever made? Maybe you’d like to play your favorite video game again… for the first time! The possibilities are endless! Unfortunately, it’s not an exact process, and Wazzat will sometimes remove memories by accident.

Little is known about her past, but I-No is one of the most intriguing characters in the Guilty Gear series. The guitar-playing witch has a manipulative personality and seems to take great pleasure from insulting and tormenting her rivals. This made her an effective final boss in Guilty Gear X2. I-No dresses provocatively, speaks crudely, and has a remarkable ability to create double entendres based on musical references. One of the most interesting aspects of her character design is her unique witch hat that seems to have a life of its own. The hat can stun opponents in battle and even has the ability to talk! If you still doubt the awesomeness of the hat, consider this: I-No carries around a guitar and her boobs are pretty much hanging out of her outfit. The fact that I’m talking about her hat at all speaks volumes on how cool it must be.

MC Ballyhoo is the hyperactive host of an elaborate carnival that’s held every year. He’s seldom seen without his pal Big Top, who pulls double duty as his hat and his co-host. Big Top isn’t nearly frenetic as his eyes might suggest. Ballyhoo describes himself as the master of catastrophes, and he often flails around with excitement. Big Top, for his part, is decidedly calmer. Even though he’s a talking hat, he doesn’t speak nearly as often as his spirited partner. This dynamic works perfectly, however, since Big Top’s measured approach only serves to accentuate Ballyhoo’s boisterous personality. In an ironic twist, his talking hat might be the least eccentric thing about MC Ballyhoo. Although Ballyhoo clearly does the heavy lifting for the duo, he always gives his co-host credit and points out that two heads are better than one.

Master Crown is one of the more unusual entries on this list, since its sentience was merely implied at first. When we first meet Master Crown in Kirby’s Return to Dream Land, the mysterious artifact can be seen wobbling about on Magalor’s head. It’s later revealed that the malevolent wizard was merely being used as a vessel. Master Crown is said to grant unlimited power to whomever wears it, but it comes with a heavy cost since its corrupting influence can turn an individual into a mindless shell by devouring any sense of self. Apparently, Master Crown has destroyed countless civilizations by turning power-hungry go-getters into unbridled agents of chaos. (Heavy is the head that wears the crown, amirite?) Kirby has faced off against many powerful beings, but Master Crown is arguably his most treacherous foe.

Cerebella is an orphaned circus performer who unknowingly works as a mafia hitgirl in her spare time. She’s full of energy and admired for her soaring athleticism, but it’s safe to say that the most notable aspect about her design is the living hat that she wears. The hat is named Vice-Versa, and it has a mind of its own (even though it’s mostly comprised of two massive arms). The specific origins of the hat are not entirely clear, but it has been with her since birth and Cerebella is the only one that can control it. Despite her small frame, Vice-Versa’s muscles make her one of the most imposing grapplers in the Skullgirls universe. Cerebella loves to show off, and Vice-Versa’s incredible strength pretty much guarantees that she’ll be the center of attention. If nothing else, Vice-Versa has helped to inspired some fairly “creative” fan art.

The Zelda series is enveloped in a cloud of uncertainty, and it’s not always clear where each game falls in the timeline. The franchise spans multiple generations (and realities), but there is plenty of connective tissue trying them together. Although we’ve been introduced to many iterations of Link over the years, he can usually be identified by his trademark green tunic and matching hat. In the Minish Cap, the hat in question is a duck-like creature named Ezlo. Incidentally, Ezlo was a sage before he was transformed into a hat by a wicked sorcerer. Ezlo’s not especially pleased with his plight, and he has a tendency to speak harshly. Fortunately, he takes a liking to Link and agrees to accompany him on his adventure. Ezlo is mostly there to provide exposition, but I always look forward to his insight.

Mario was previously mentioned on our list of greatest hats, but this entry is specifically focused on Cappy. The magical hat befriends Mario after a chance encounter, and he allows our favorite plumber to gain a litany of new abilities. By throwing Cappy at various creatures, Mario will gain control of his targets. If he captures a frog, his jumping abilities will improve. Likewise, if he captures a Bullet Bill, he’ll be able to soar through the air. He can even assume the role of innocuous objects like taxi cabs, trees, and manhole covers! Cappy insists that it was his honor to sit atop Mario’s head, but Mario was lucky to have him. One of the reasons why Mario has remained relevant for so long is because his games are constantly introducing new gameplay mechanics. On that note, Cappy was the heart and soul of Super Mario Odyssey.