Front-Loaded Anvils

In 1993, George Wood created Flights of Fantasy for Bowie Community Television in Maryland. The public-access show initially focused on comic books and science fiction, but video games gradually became the focal point of the program. The show aired for the better part of a decade, but it didn’t gain a national following until a YouTube user named NAVGTR began uploading the archives online in 2006. The video clips were re-branded as Gaming in the Clinton Years, and they reached a much broader audience than public-access television did. George had a unique style that relied heavily on lame jokes and non sequiturs, and he certainly wasn’t afraid to go against the grain. His reviews were often filled with controversial opinions, and he was fixated on cinematics, cheat codes, and ending sequences. It’s easy to riff on the guy, but gaming-related content wasn’t easy to find in the 1990s. George Wood deserves credit for being an ambassador for video games, it will still be fun to look at some of the most outlandish quotes from his show. Some of these quotes are confusing or downright absurd, but that’s part of the fun. As the Friars say, we only roast the ones we love. If you enjoy this list, I’d definitely recommend seeking out his videos on YouTube.

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100	Armored Core is just another techie game like Colony Wars and G-Police, with cyber this and cyber that.
	– Armored Core
99	Staying true to its obsession with racing games, Sony presents WipEout XL and Motor Toon Grand Prix for the PlayStation. Actually, WipEout XL is made by Psygnosis, not Sony. But, ehh, close enough.
	– WipEout XL
98	Ducks can’t swim… wait a minute! I’m thinking of flying! Of course they can swim!
	– Maui Mallard
97	If Williams sees this segment, they will either: A) Laugh at all the doom dooms; B) Put us on their ‘To Doom’ list; C) Doom us to Hades; or D) Not do one doom thing!
	– Final DOOM
96	We managed to clear a few courses, in last place, of course.
	– Turbo Prop Racing
95	The game has won multiple ‘Best of Year’ awards and several honors for best graphics. Uh, wake up America! Do you see any spectacular graphics here?
	– Colony Wars
94	FIFA Soccer is a dinosaur of a game, and we mean that in a BAD way!
	– FIFA 64
93	Sony is once again being a real jerk by refusing to allow 2D games to be manufactured. Sony definitely has a bug up its you-know-what.
	– Mega Man X4
92	Use the Mega Ball and kick it towards the head, but don’t forget to anticipate the angle of the dangle when the ball bounces off the walls.
	– Mega Man 8
91	The bottom line on StarFox, though, is that you should rent it, beat it, and save your money.
	– StarFox 64
90	Jersey Devil is one of the first games to make use of the new shock controller – Sony’s answer to the Rumble Pak. THE JOLTS ARE PATHETIC!!!
	– Jersey Devil
89	Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls… now that’s a quirky title. But it’s right on the money. You do, after all, play a wrecking ball named Iggy.
	– Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls
88	Turok provides a great mix of exploration action and good ol’… well, you know.
	– Turok: Dinosaur Hunter
87	Simulations are often slow and boring, and this one is no exception.
	– Ace Combat 2
86	Kicks and punches are not divided into fierceness levels, but rather the height of the attack. What is the significance of this? Well, none really. In fact, what’s the significance of the entire game? Well, none really. What’s the significance of the entire fighting genre? Well, none really.
	– War Gods
85	Knock blocks away with your pull string by pressing A to free the action figure toy, named Biff. Speaking of action figures, take a look at this one. It’s a take-off of Blanka from Street Fighter II. Also notice the similarities to other Street Fighter characters on the package design. Aha! We caught these guys ripping off Capcom! Anyway, let’s get back to Toy Story.
	– Toy Story
84	We couldn’t even get past the first world, so the footage you’re seeing is demo footage.
	– Spot Goes to Hollywood
83	Puzzle games are just meant to tease the brain. but we still can’t help but wonder why the cubes need to be zapped. Maybe we’re plot crazy, but it’d be nice to know why the heck we’re destroying rolling cubes of all things.
	– Intelligent Qube
82	Its only faults are length – only six racing courses – and the lack of chasmic jumps. Chasmic may not be a word, but it should be!
	– 1080° Snowboarding
81	The game has about as much depth as one of my gray hairs.
	– Fighting Force
80	Chopping logs in games is a lot more fun than chopping them in real life. So there you have it. Breath of Fire III is something you can play until the cows come home.
	– Breath of Fire III
79	The cinematic sequences are too short without substantive plot, and hardly as immersive as a good movie.
	– StarFox 64
78	I don’t think we’ve ever played a game this bad before. It seems Square is truly square… in the head… BLOCKheads!
	– Tobal No. 1
77	The N64 should be jealous!
	– Crash Bandicoot 2
76	It sure makes you appreciate the Nintendo 64.
	– Final Fantasy VII
75	Some players, especially older players, may really want to think long and hard about buying Donkey Kong Country 2.
	– Donkey Kong Country 2
74	Super Mario 64 delivers Toy Story-quality graphics.
	– Super Mario 64
73	A Bug’s Life puts Babe: Pig in the City to shame.
	– A Bug’s Life
72	This game is perfect! And although it’s too late to make a April Fool’s joke, we just made one anyway! Come on! Did you really expect us not to say something bad?
	– Bloody Roar
71	Luckily for game fans, EX Plus is the best Street Fighter game ever made.
	– Street Fighter EX Plus α
70	You won’t NOT like it, but it won’t make you sing out loud either. Then again, NO game does that!
	– Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
69	Eating the dead doesn’t fill you up much, though, so don’t worry about this game turning you into a cannibal.
	– Jurassic Park: The Lost World
68	Gex: Enter the Gecko is Gex’s second Gex game. That will get you gexcitied. Okay, enough gexes.
	– Gex: Enter the Gecko
67	Check out Zell – the ultimate geekazoid.
	– Final Fantasy VIII
66	You have to grow a mushroom just to jump to higher places. Heellllooooo! Ants can crawl anywhere! They don’t need mushroom trampolines!
	– A Bug’s Life
65	Why does a ‘Plus’ have to be in the title? There’s never been a previous EX title. The ‘Plus’ is just there to sound fancy.
	– Street Fighter EX Plus α
64	The control can be very uncooperative, thanks to the poor analog control, which will give you an idea of what it’s like to be walking a baby. Is this intentional? Maybe so. Is it annoying on occasion? Absolutely. Does it preclude you from enjoying the game? Absolutely not. Will you get sick of running into walls just because these kids can’t walk right? Maybe, maybe not. You might get a kick out of it.
	– Rugrats: Search for Reptar
63	Jiminy Cricket wants to watch your performance in Stromboli’s puppet show, but the bugs are bugging him. Which is ironic, because the bugs are bugging a bug.
	– Pinocchio
62	The game begins with Mom waking you up. This is appropriate, since many kids need BOMBS to get themsevles out of bed in the morning!
	– Chrono Trigger
61	You can check out the elevator if you’re too much of a lazy bum to climb the stairs. I can relate. I’m so lazy that to avoid walking, I have a special car seat that detaches and rolls into the studio, planting me in front of the desk in our pathetic set. After taping, a trap door opens up and I’m thrust into the depths of the basement of this old, disgusting, roach-infested building…… Just kidding!
	– Namco Museum Vol. 5
60	Why aren’t there any FMV endings? It doesn’t make any sense.
	– Street Fighter Alpha 3
59	You have to give credit to a game that let’s you get hit by a car and land on the car’s roof. Now that’s funny. Talk about getting a lift.
	– Mega Man Legends
58	We have nothing against biting, unless your first name is Monica, but come on! Biting your enemies!? Give us a break!
	– Tomba!
57	And that announcer… ugh! Somebody shoot that dweeb!
	– Cool Boarders
56	Sometimes you wish the goal of the game were to hunt that weiner down and kill him.
	– Cool Boarders
55	This blast from the past is, well, not worth busting your butt to get. Get it? Buster Brothers! Bust your butt? Haha, oh well.
	– Buster Bros. Collection
54	The fourth boss is quite gelatinous. Bill Cosby would find him quite tasty!
	– Mega Man 8
53	Formulaic, cookie cutter, ‘I’ll get it done by Wednesday’ company quickies like this should be dissected for DNA comparison to dog crap!
	– Shadow Master
52	The biggest disappointment is that the dialogue is delivered through text, not voiceovers. This means LOTS of reading.
	– Final Fantasy VII
51	Being the silly people that we are, we were kinding hoping to see Manneken Pis in the background. Man, wouldn’t that be cool?
	– Buster Bros. Collection
50	No amount of urine could make this game buyable. This type of gameplay is just too simple to attract today’s kid. But, hey, old farts like me might like it – piss or no piss.
	– Buster Bros. Collection
49	No matter what vehicle or difficulty level you have chosen, your car always comes in last.
	– Rush Hour
48	The game has lots of booby traps like Tomb Raider. And, no, we’re not talking about Lara’s earrings if you know what I mean.
	– Deathtrap Dungeon
47	Bloody Roar has only eight fighters, and static, dumb, stupid, boring, crappy, pathetic, silly, hardly-there, unspired, flat, dull endings. Don’t let our ‘just for the fun of it’ obnoxious list of redundant adjectives cloud your impression of the game. We’re just being dumb, stupid, boring, crappy, pathetic, silly, hardly-there, unspired, flat, dull, and childish.
	– Bloody Roar
46	The full-motion video is the complete opposite of dumb, stupid, boring, crappy, pathetic, silly, hardly-there, uninspired, flat, dumb, and childish.
	– Klonoa
45	What a disappointment!
	– Final Fantasy VII
44	Gran Turismo is yet another racing joke!
	– Gran Turismo
43	As usual, the car controls stink. I don’t care what kind of car you’re driving. If you’re going 60 miles-an-hour, you should not skid into the next lane on a slight turn. How on Earth is that realistic?
	– Gran Turismo
42	These little elves are too STUPID to be Santa’s helper.
	– Lemmings
41	Bopping birds with your bird butt won’t feel any different than it did ten years ago. What a joy!
	– Defender/Joust
40	Hopefully, you’ll succeed. If not, oh well.
	– Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster Busts Loose
39	We have yet to see any tracks that blow us out of our chairs. No huge loops, no gigantic ramp launches, no driving through waterfalls… nothing imaginative. These games are supposed to be fun first and simulations second.
	– Formula 1 Racer
38	This is the age of South Park. We don’t like South Park, but we do like Resident Evil 2.
	– Resident Evil 2
37	The cars look so cool you’ll want to run right out and buy a Porsche! NOT! A Porsche is WAY too expensive for my taste. Even if I had money coming out of my armpits, I wouldn’t blow $50,000 on a car just to make a fashion statement when I can get a car just as good for a quarter of the price. I should state, that these are not MY opinions.
	– Porsche Challenge
36	Get it or die!
	– Final Fantasy III
35	It even comes with a special CD that includes ’70s and ’80s songs, exhibitions of ’70s and ’80s clothes, and ’70s and ’80s pixel dust… there we go again!!! LIES!!! ALL LIES!!! There is no CD, folks!
	– Nacmo Museum Vol. 5
34	This game makes DOOM look like Silly Putty. I have no idea what that means, but hey!
	– Forsaken 64
33	So which will it be: PlayStation, Jaguar, M2, or Saturn? The answer is none of the above! There’s another advance gaming system that will win the war, and it’s Virtual Boy!
	– Virtual Boy
32	Bubsy is one of the best action games ever created.
	– Bubsy
31	The text is boring. So boring that you may fall asleep.
	– Final Fantasy VII
30	Role-playing games will benefit the most from the Nintendo 64. Maybe they’ll become true interactive movies.
	– Secret of Evermore
29	Play control is very responsive and monkey feeling.
	– Donkey Kong Country
28	Armored Armadillo is cool. He’d be cooler if he was Beaver Man though! Imagine his tail attack!
	– Mega Man X
27	We really get annoyed with having to shoot a zombie ten times before it’s actually dead. This kind of ridiculous CRAP really slows down the game and we’re forced to suffer this unrealistic gimmick every time we find a zombie.
	– Resident Evil 2
26	The play control is so good that you’ll actually notice how good it is.
	– StarFox
25	Everything about this game is top notch. Except maybe the play control, which could use a little adjustment. The game is virtually impossible to beat.
	– The Simpsons: Bart’s Nightmare
24	Realism is what DOOM is all about.
	– DOOM
23	Rent it, have a ball playing it, beat it, and return it. Mario is back on top!
	– Super Mario RPG
22	When all is said and done, Toy Stoy has better gameplay than either of the Donkey Kong Country games.
	– Toy Stoy
21	The game’s appeal is of the same high quality as Bubsy.
	– Plok
20	Super Mario World 2 is far better than the less-than-pleasing Super Mario World that was released back in 1991.
	– Super Mario World 2: Yoshi’s Island
19	The music and sound… Well, they blow chunks.
	– Final Fantasy VII
18	If Sony had spent half the time on the game as they did on the enclosed booklets, Gran Turismo wouldn’t be the flop that it is.
	– Gran Turismo
17	Am I saying a bunch of hogwash? Maybe so. Maybe we’re just stupid.
	– Critical Depth
16	In fact, beating the game IS impossible on the higher difficulty levels. Do yourself a favor – don’t even try them.
	– GoldenEye 007
15	A perfect mix of action and Academy Award-winning character development, Pokémon is a great game for the 12 and under crowd.
	– Pokémon
14	Basketball today equals Dennis Rodman, and sure enough, he’s in the game.
	– NBA Hangtime
13	NBA Hangtime has more options than Rodman’s hair has colors.
	– NBA Hangtime
12	We made a green alien and put him on the Chicago Bulls with Dennis Rodman! It sure was easy to spot him on the court, and we’re not talking about Rodman! Then again, I could understand why you would mix them up. They’re both aliens in their own ways!
	– NBA Hangtime
11	All the bells and whistles in the world, even Dennis Rodman, won’t make this game a ‘must buy.’
	– NBA Hangtime
10	If Square doesn’t add voiceovers to Final Fantasy IX, I’m committing suicide. I hate text!
	– Final Fantasy VIII
9	Most glarring of all, the cinemas do not coincide with gameplay. For example, if you cross the river and enter a cave, then the game will show you a clip from the movie where you fly across the same river and hit a rock. Let’s say it again! Heellllooooo! We already crossed the river! Who’s been messing with the space-time contiuum? Heellllooooo! McFly! Is anybody home? Good grief!
	– A Bug’s Life
8	If you beat the game on the hardest mode, you will open up hidden levels for the four-player mini-games, which we can’t show you because we only have one controller. And frankly, we don’t care about the multiplayer stuff. No one buys a game specifically for multiplayer options.
	– GoldenEye 007
7	Where’s the creativity? Why not have a game where you have to find and drive to the hospital before your wife delivers her baby? Now THAT would be fun!
	– Formula 1 Racer
6	You play Lara Croft, complete with front-loaded anvils.
	– Tomb Raider II
5	Donkey Kong Country is TRULY perfect. If you do not get this new generation of Donkey Kong madness, you are STUPID! Yes, I know, that’s insulting. But it’s also the truth.
	– Donkey Kong Country
4	We had a lot of fun creating three fat black ladies fighting one skinny white turd.
	– WWF Attitude
3	In Zombies Ate My Neighbors by Konami, Lucasarts, developers of the Star Wars games, join Konami to make Zombies Ate My Neighbors.
	– Zombies Ate My Neighbors
2	Probaby as a result of increased babe awareness in the video game industry – think Tomb Raider‘s Lara Croft – Nikki has undergone a complete makeover. She’s much more, well, endowed. Yes, the trend is getting obnoxious, but this is only the beginning folks. I wonder if there’s a limit to the size of those things. I guess there’s no limit to the imagination. If you think we’re the ones who have the imagination, then you’re mistaken. The knobs in question are noticibly bigger, and it’s for a reason: to entice gamers. You can only tell the relative size in two places, though. The package design and the full-motion video sequences. The game itself depicts your character too small to see anything major.
	– Pandemonium 2
1	In answer to Lara’s giant earrings, however, we have a challenge for Eidos. In Tomb Raider III, create a storyline in which Lara gets breast cancer. Imagine the drama of a vulnerable Lara Croft still persisting in her worldly adventures despite her illness. It needs fleshing out – no pun intended – but we guarantee the gaming world would be SHOCKED, stunned, and moved at the effort to make Lara’s character more meaningful. We love Lara, but it’s about time the industry had a big shock for a change.
	– Tomb Raider II

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