Easy as Pie

Phoenix Downs are typically used to revive party members in the Final Fantasy series. If used on an undead enemy, they may have the opposite effect and can act as an instant-death spell. This trick doesn’t work in every game, however, and it’s typically only effective against minor enemies. The Phantom Train from Final Fantasy VI was the first instance of a boss that could be defeated in this fashion. (High-tier healing items like elixirs were also effective, but Phoenix Downs were more readily available.) Subsequent bosses can be defeated in a similar fashion, but the Phantom Train helped establish the rule. I’m making a concerted effort not to mention any unintended exploits on this list, but the Phoenix Down trick is fair game since it’s an intentional mechanic that has never been patched out.

Ollie Bulb is an anthropomorphic onion who will literally cry when he’s attacked. The water steams that jet from his eyes are deadly, and his tears rain down randomly across the area. If you decide not to attack him, Ollie will simply burrow back underground without incident. He’ll notice your kindness after about ten seconds or so, and it’s obvious that he wasn’t looking for a fight in the first place. No good deed goes unpunished, however. If you spare the onion, a secret boss named Horace Radiche will spend the rest of the fight aggressively chasing you across the screen. Horace is a bigger menace that Ollie ever was, so taking out the onion is the easier path. The option to spare Ollie wasn’t added until Patch 1.2 was released in 2019, so if you played the game at launch you had no choice but to defeat him the old fashioned way.

In U.S. Gold’s The Incredible Hulk, you’ll fight your way through legions of heavily armed soldiers, mutated monsters, and massive villains like Abomination and Rhino. The Leader is the overarching mastermind behind everything, however. He’s a hyper-intelligent mastermind who plans to conquer the world, but his fighting technique is horrendous. When the Hulk breaches his inner sanctum for the final battle, the Leader simply stands in front of him while cackling. At this point, you can casually walk up to him and destroy him with a single uppercut. The Leader doesn’t even try to attack Hulk, nor does he attempt to defend himself. These efforts would have been futile, but you figure he’d at least try to find a good hiding spot. He basically gives Hulk a free punch, which is the last thing that a super genius should do.

While visiting Colossus Valley stage in Spyro 2: Ripto’s Rage!, you learn that the local monks are being terrorized by a large, angry Yeti that has taken over their monastery. After opening a series of locked gates to reach his lair, you’re tasked with killing the beast as a last resort. As soon as Spyro enters the room, the Yeti goes into a furious, chest-beating temper tantrum. He jumps up and down so violently that the vibrations shake a massive stone statue loose from the ceiling directly above him. The statue falls and instantly crushes the Yeti flat, leaving you to collect the level’s Talisman without breathing a single flame. I’d rate him higher on this list if not for the fact that he had a chance to redeem himself. When the Colossus Yeti returned in the sequel, he proved to be a total nightmare.

Lucien Fairfax was once philanthropic and deeply beloved, but he became a tyrant after his wife and daughter died from a sudden illness. In an effort to stop his tyrannical ways, you spend the entire game uniting the Heroes of Strength, Will, and Skill. After Lucien captures your allies, you’re forced to face him alone. It’s not nearly as daunting as it seems. If you play your magical music box from your childhood, you’ll shatter Lucien’s magical barrier and reduce him to a frail old man. At this point, he’ll deliver a grand villain speech while pacing around. At any point during his screed, you can simply pull out your gun and shoot him dead. If you decide to hear him out, one of your allies will pull out his own rifle and shoot him for you! Whether you pull the trigger or let your companion do it, the game’s ultimate villain is defeated with little effort.

A legendary sniper who has lived for over 100 years, the End relies on photosynthesis and sheer willpower to stay alive. When Naked Snake encounters him in the Sokrovenno jungle, he’s in for a long, drawn out battle spanning multiple areas. The sniper duel is a test of endurance that can easily last an hour, but Hideo Kojima built in two distinct ways to completely bypass the fight. You’ll have a tiny window to snipe him outside an unassuming warehouse about an hour or two before the jungle battle would normally begin. The more interesting method involves manually moving the system clock forward by one week or more. When you reboot the game, a cutscene will trigger and Snake will learn that the End has died from old age! At this point, you can simply walk through the empty jungle to the next area.

Lester Buchinsky is a contract killer who works under the guise of the Electrocutioner. Although he’s a common street thug, he claims to be the deadliest assassin in Gotham. During a high-stakes meeting at the Final Offer casino, the dim-witted villain hypes himself up and charges up his lethal shock gloves in preparation for an epic battle. Batman is thoroughly unimpressed with his antics, however, and the fight ends after a single kick to the head! Random street thugs put up a better fight than Lester did. After the Electrocutioner is knocked out, Batman adds insult to injury by stealing his shock gloves. The poor guy never even gets a chance for a rematch, since Joker ends up throwing him out of a window and killing him outright. Lester’s failures follow him beyond the grave, and people still talk about his defeat years later.

Bob the Killer Goldfish looks unassuming in his tiny fishbowl, but his intelligence is off the charts. By enlisting the help of a giant cat named Number Four, he was somehow able to construct a vast underwater city. His ultimate desire is to conquer the universe, but Earthworm Jim keeps getting in his way. Bob talks a big game and his feline army is formidable, but he doesn’t stand much of a chance without his brutish bodyguards. In the first Earthworm Jim, our hero casually knocks Bob’s bowl off a table and watches him flop around on the floor. In the sequel, Bob is introduced with great fanfare, and there’s even a Mortal Kombat-style “Fight!” message before the encounter. This time around, Jim casually plucks him out of the fishbowl and swallows him whole! To his credit, Bob always lives to fight another day.

In the Borderlands 2 DLC, Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt, Professor Nakayama spends the entire campaign plotting his revenge against the Vault Dwellers for their role in killing his idol. The obstacles he creates are ultimately subverted, so the mad scientist confronts his enemies directly. The wiry man is fitted with numerous cybernetic enhancements and robotic weapon appendages, and he delivers a lengthy monologue about how his intelligence will give him the upper hand in the pending battle. Before the fight begins, he loses his footing and tumbles down a flight of stairs in hilarious fashion. Nakayama screams in agony as he bounces down the staircase, and he’s left with a broken neck for his troubles. At this point, the “Kill Professor Nakayama” objective is checked off automatically without any input being required from the player.

There are a couple Monster Party bosses that are worth mentioning on this countdown. At one point, you’ll meet a pair of zombies who implore you to watch them dance. If you try to attack them before their routine is over, you’ll automatically lose. The key to victory is to do absolutely nothing! After your undead foes show off their dancing skills, their rotting flesh will melt away and they’ll be reduced to nothingness. The entire scenario unfolds in about 30 seconds, so you likely won’t have time to process the absurdity. The spider boss from the first stage is an even bigger pushover, if you can believe it. You literally can’t lose this battle because the spider has already died! The appeal of Monster Party is largely centered around the boss fights, so I appreciate how the spider apologizes for being dead.