Raising the Bar

Lawrence Garte would protest his inclusion on this list, and he notably insists that he’s not a bartender. He describes himself as a cafeteria manager, and he has devoted 14 years of his life to the Whirling-in-Rags. He’s ultimately the one who keeps the hostel-bar hybrid running. He collects rent, haggles over room damage, and manages unruly customers with his next-level sarcasm. (We’re talking about a guy who uses imaginary martini shakers and takes orders for drinks that he has no intention of making.) He genuinely cares about the bar, however, and he keeps the doors open regardless of how chaotic things get. The poor guy has to deal with everything from dead bodies to disgraced detectives. His placement on this list can be considered a belated acknowledgement, as he used to man the bar before he got promoted.

K’s Tavern is the go-to watering hole for prentice Samurai and seasoned warriors who find themselves within the walls of Mikado Castle. K is no stranger to combat, and this is made readily apparent by his missing right eye and scissor-bladed prosthetic arm. K doesn’t do flashy hospitality, but he serves drinks, posts Challenge Quests on the blackboard, and dispenses advice with the authority of someone who’s seen (and lost) too much in battle. He was once feared as the leader of the Samurai, but he mellowed out since stepping away from the front lines. There’s a subtle sense that the gravely-voiced veteran knows more about the kingdom’s undercurrents than he lets on, however. Patrons flock to his bar for the booze, but they still respect what K has to say even though he has long since traded his sword for a shaker.

Conveniently stationed aboard the airship Celsius, an understated Hypello runs a shop that sells curative items and accessories. He also serves up drinks, and this role defines him even more than his blue skin or his wide-eyed expression. No one knows what his real name is, so they simply call him Barkeep. This sounds demeaning, but he never bothers to correct anyone. He has been acting as the ship’s bartender from the moment he was invited onto the Celsius, and he embraces the role with a low-key enthusiasm. Whether he’s mixing drinks or listening to drunken woes, the amphibious everyman proves you don’t need a dramatic backstory when your service is dependable. In a game filled with high-stakes adventures and dramatic plot twists, the humble Hypello keeps the crew grounded and supplied with zero complaints.

Hidden away in the underbelly of Arc City, Raven’s is exactly what you’d expect from its namesake. The no-frills bar serves more as a front than a proper establishment, and it’s run by a Valkyrie-turned-bounty hunter known simply as Raven. The place is equal parts legal cover, information brokerage, and occasional warzone. Truth be told, Raven was never cut out for hospitality. She’s blunt, impatient, and makes terrible drinks. Somehow, whenever she is behind the bar, the place is packed. As it turns out, mercenaries, informants, and all manner of thrill-seekers are drawn by her reputation and the constant flow of valuable intel that passes through her network. Every drink served is another thread in her web of contacts, and this is how she turned a failing bar into one of the best places in the city to gather secrets.

Aethyta is a battle-hardened asari matriarch who works in the Eternity bar on Illium. Rest assured, she brings the same no-nonsense attitude to mixing drinks as she did to fighting geth. She serves cocktails with a side of brutal honesty and the occasional war story. Whether she’s mocking your drink preferences, grilling you about your love life, or casually revealing galactic lore, she treats every patron like an old drinking buddy. Her bar remains a popular spot, however, and there’s something magnetic about an old lady who’ll call you an idiot to your face while pouring you another round. Aethyta is a retired politician, and she takes on bartending jobs so she’ll be able to keep tabs on things without arousing suspicion. She’s well suited for the role, however. Matriarchs are usually wise elders who give advice, and that’s what bartenders do as well.

Before any of us stepped into a stylish demon sanctuary or a neon-lit cyberpunk dive, the original arcade barkeep was the face of high-pressure hospitality. The unnamed hero of Tapper is dressed in classic old-timey style with his crisp white shirt, black vest, and iconic handlebar moustache. He stands behind the bar ready to serve the most demanding, relentless crowd in gaming history. Cowboys, sports fans, punks, and even aliens march forward with unyielding thirst, and the bartender tries to satiate the crowd with frothy mugs of beer. Although he served Budweiser in his first outing, a family-friendly variant focused on root beer instead. In either regard, nobody on this list has to juggle more customers than he does. The stakes couldn’t be any higher, and he will literally die if he breaks too many mugs.

Also known as the Infinite One, Rodin is a fallen angel who wears many proverbial hats. At various points, he acts as a weaponsmith, a pizza delivery man, a talk show host, and even Santa Claus! He can beat demons into submission without breaking a sweat, but he seems most at home when he’s behind the bar at the Gates of Hell. When Bayonetta visits the hidden sanctuary, Rodin serves up new guns, stiff drinks, and way more pop culture references than you might imagine. His baritone voice is surprisingly cheerful, and his bartender hospitality makes it easy to forget how ridiculously powerful he is. Whether he’s lighting a cigar with his own flaming thumb or crafting legendary weapons from the souls of the slain, Rodin is defined by his effortless charisma. Although he could outclass anyone in a fight, he’s content to take it easy in his jazz-scored bar.

Without question, Mad Moxxi is one of the most unforgettable barkeeps in gaming history. She’s technically the proprietor of multiple neon-drenched bars, and she runs them all with the same chaotic energy. Clad in whore paint and burlesque outfits that leave nothing to the imagination, Moxxi serves up drinks and double entendres with a sultry Southern drawl. When she’s not pouring shots, she’s likely running death matches or aggressively flirting with anyone and anything. She casually broadcasts her exploits across Pandora, and that’s one of the reasons she’s so successful. Beneath the sexed-up ringmaster persona is a surprisingly sharp businesswoman who has survived everything Pandora can throw at her. No one on this list can match her energy, and I admire her ability to turn a simple drink order into a spectacle.

VA-11 Hall-A: Cyberpunk Bartender Action is exactly what it says on the tin. The ambitious visual novel is set against the backdrop of a dive bar in a dystopian downtown. Assuming the role of Julianne “Jill” Stingray, players are tasked with mixing cocktails. You’ll meet a diverse cast of characters during each shift, and you’ll have to listen carefully to figure out what kind of drinks they want. The game doesn’t have traditional dialogue trees, so you’ll influence the story by serving drinks instead. Customers might tell you more interesting stories if you add more alcohol to their order, but this could also cause clients to leave early. Although Jill needs to earn enough money to pay the bills, her stated goal is to “mix drinks and change lives.” Cool, empathetic, and deeply human, Jill pours out therapy alongside the booze.

Tifa Lockhart owns and manages Seventh Heaven, located in the Sector 7 slums of Midgar. She is known for crafting custom cocktails, and she often performs tricks with a shaker to earn higher tips from patrons. Her role as a bartender is central to her identity, and she pours drinks with the same grace and precision she brings to her devastating hand-to-hand combat. She also serves comfort, camaraderie, and quiet strength to the struggling people of the slums. Whether she’s listening to brooding patrons, rallying the team, or gently breaking up trouble, Tifa makes everyone feel welcome. As an added bonus, her bar serves as the secret headquarters for an insurgent group that’s trying to save the planet. I’m not a heavy drinker, but I’d visit her bar on the daily if I lived in Midgar just to catch a glimpse of her huge tits warm smile.